while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
