I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Still dying that you shit outside
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
