Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
