it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
