Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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