My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
