Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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