Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
