i already hear my dad disowning me
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize