Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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