Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
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