I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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