I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
