This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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