I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
