oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
