Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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