I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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