I wish I could teleport
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
