i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Randomize
