I just pynch a tree in the face
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
