Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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