I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
