The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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