This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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