i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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