Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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