I want to make a zoo with you.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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