Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
operation harelip BJ is a go
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
So squirting runs in the family.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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