god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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