life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
