Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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