what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
the liver wants what the liver wants
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize