I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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