Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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