I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
