Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
