Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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