and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
