Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
