I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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