I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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