Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
