how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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