I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
