and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
