a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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