If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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