her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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