her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
