I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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