I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize