he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
