I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
All I want is dick and wine.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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