Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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