No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize