i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
