Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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