8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
