I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
