Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
