She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
