So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
